“I have learnt to give myself some grace” – Millie’s story

A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author. 

Millie experienced depression, self-harm and undiagnosed ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) during her adolescence. After five years, she has finally got her ADHD diagnosis and practices self-acceptance.

My challenges with mental health have been ongoing for years. I am now 20 years old, getting a university degree, and have my ADHD diagnosis. I wanted to share my story, so that other people may read it and know that they’re not alone, that there is help out there. 

I first started identifying with the symptoms of ADHD when I was 15 years old. The more I heard what people said about it, the more I could relate to it and things started to make sense. It started to really affect my day-to-day life, so I went out to get a diagnosis. This took nearly five years. Through GP referrals to wait lists, the process was undoubtfully long. I had to find ways to help myself while waiting. 

Last year in May, I finally had my assessment. I was then diagnosed and offered medication. My experience with the medication so far has been up and down, trial and error. In the long run though, I am glad I have the option to even give it go.

Before my diagnosis, I'd been experiencing symptoms of depression on and off for years. This was really affecting my life in so many ways. Since around 16, I was having feelings of emptiness, despair and waves of sadness. I would come home from school and just go back to bed, to lie down in a dark room and wallow in the dark thoughts I was having. I didn’t want to socialise or see friends. I felt so burnt out and tired. 

When I joined college, the workload got harder, my ADHD symptoms were spiking, and I felt so behind and stuck. What I was already experiencing became a lot worse in 2022, when my brother died from suicide. 

Dealing with my grief, depression and undiagnosed ADHD soon became overwhelming. I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms and started to self-harm. It was something I ended up relying heavily on and believed that it was making me feel better, even though it was just making things a lot worse. The feeling when people found out was awful - I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. 

At the time, I didn’t want help, I believed nothing was going to help the way I was feeling: the guilt, the thoughts that I didn’t fit in with everyone else, the pit of despair I was in. But looking back, it was better that people did find out. I found out that people cared and wanted to help me. My college gave me a counsellor and I got referred to different mental health organisations.
 
I got accepted into university in 2023. It wasn’t easy to begin with. During first year, I was really struggling with my mental health and didn’t see a way out. Towards the end of my first year though, I started to do things to help myself. I wanted to get clean of self-harm, improve my mental wellbeing, find ways to support my ADHD and not worry that I wasn’t working at the same pace as my peers. 

After my diagnosis, I felt like I could understand myself better. There was a written reason why my brain was different, why my low moods felt worse, why I couldn’t complete my work at the same ease of other students. 

I really relied on the help of my friends and family throughout these times, which I am so grateful for. I now have better ways of dealing with the ups and downs. Sometimes I do still get those rough days, but just sitting with friends and venting really helps. Talking about it out loud really helps me put things into perspective. 

I do still struggle with thoughts of self-harm. Sometimes there are slip ups, sometimes I can pull myself out of it. But overall, I have learnt to give myself some grace for how far I’ve come, and that I’m still going and improving every day.

For people who are scared that they’re never going to get out of it: You’re not alone. There are people who understand you. Even in the darkest points, there will be one person, whether that is a family member, friend or someone online, that will listen and help. 

Implement strategies you know that will help. Everyone is different, so use what works for you. My main thing is to listen to music, dance around my room and just have the basic reminder that my brain works slightly differently to those who don’t have ADHD, and that’s not a bad thing.